24 Season 1 : The parody
by The Eurostar Galaxy
Summary: This is the parody of Season 1 of this great show! Read and Review please! I hope you enjoy it. Constructive critism will be widely(SP?) appreciated. Chapter 2 and the end of episode 1 is up!
1. CTU and psycho chickens

Author's note: Hello there guys.a situation has come to my attention when I realised there aren't enough parodies on this fantastic show, they're good but I'm including my own. In order to get the best flavour out of this I have put the timer back to the very first episode, and really messed things up! MUWHAHAHA!!!  
  
--24 Season 1-  
  
Jack's voice: The following takes place between Midnight and 1 A.M, shit I'm tired! On the day (yawns) of the Califor(Yawns again).Cal (Yawns) California Presidential (Yawns, then slaps his jaw.) Ow. Just begin the day already!  
  
Karla Lumpur  
  
Some guy is walking down a busy street.  
  
Guy: Excuse me! Coming though! (Trips over a stray chicken) Want some punk!? (Knells down and punches the chicken in the face)  
  
Chicken: BRAWWK! *Translation: That hurt you bastard! I hate you humans! You stinky piece of lemon-shit YOU WILL PAY!  
  
TV Audience: This show's great!  
  
(The Chicken attacks Guy by biting his nipple and twisting it really HARD)  
  
Guy: AARRRGGHH!! Sonofabitch!  
  
(Runs off whilst the bystanders point and laugh at him then they start clucking like chickens)  
  
Guy: (Now blushing so hard everyone gets on their sunglasses) You.(Points at chicken) we will meet again!  
  
(Runs inside, gets out some really cool techno stuff and rings his phone)  
  
Guy: Victor Rovner, requesting permission to transmit.  
  
Person: Sure thing Fido (Laughs).I mean Rover.wuff wuff! Boy that chicken beat the stuffing out of you!  
  
Victor: (Seethes) The enemy plan is underway today.  
  
Person: Cluck cluck! Woof! Wo- oh. Shit. I'll let them know!  
  
Victor: Thank you. (Hears a banging on the door)  
  
Chicken: BBBBRRRAAWWKK!! *Translation: Want some more punk?  
  
Victor: *To himself: Oh shit.  
  
(Screen cuts to some totally cool satellite spinning around the Earth.)  
  
TV Audience: Awesome.  
  
(A glove in space flies straight through the satellite, making it blow up.)  
  
Audience: Eh?  
  
FOX Correspondent: Gives us better ratings.  
  
Audience: Okay.  
  
(Screen cuts to a posh-people party with some evil looking guy with a moustache answering the phone)  
  
Audience: That guy looks like Hitler.I bet there's a link to Berlin.  
  
FOX Correspondent: No. (Looks around worryingly)  
  
Person on other end of phone: Mr. Walsh? It's happening today. Senator David Palmer is the target.  
  
Walsh: Oh my god. (To other people) Sorry. Gotta go. (People give him the Nazi salute) Right. (Gives them the finger)  
  
(Screen cuts to the Palmer Campaign HQ)  
  
David: The speech is good Putty.  
  
Patty: It's Patty, Senator.  
  
David: One problem though, put down historic day instead of 'Breakfast'. Sounds like we're having brunch.  
  
Sherry: No. We're having breakfast at the 'breakfast'.  
  
Random Campaign worker: Could do with some cornflakes right now.  
  
Keith: Nah. I could MURDER for a damn good curry.  
  
Everyone: (Drools)  
  
David: Let's practice. 'On this historic breakfast, the jam WILL be made out of strawberries of from the secret utopia of the country not listed called 'America'.  
  
(Campaign workers clap)  
  
Audience: Damn, that is one cool senator.  
  
(Screen cuts to a house, inside there are two people playing chess)  
  
Jack: Take that bitch! Your knight is HISTRORRRYY!  
  
Kim: Uhh.chill.  
  
Jack: Yeah. School tomorrow, so get to bed.  
  
Kim: Can't.  
  
Jack: Why not?  
  
Kim: She booby-trapped the room with trip-wires, if I fall for it, SHE will point and laugh at me.  
  
Jack: I bet 'SHE' you mean mom.  
  
Kim: Okay.you caught me.I'm going to bed.  
  
Jack: I love you too sweetheart.  
  
Kim: But what about-  
  
Jack: I know. I was there and I did it.  
  
Kim: You mean-  
  
Jack: I love you.  
  
Kim: NO! I thought you stole my TV!  
  
Jack: Oh. Let me give you some advice: Never EVER try to shove a monitor down your trousers and make nothing out of it.  
  
Kim: Roooiihhtt. (Goes away, but grabs Teri and throws her out of the window. As Teri lets herself back in a thump is heard.)  
  
THUMP!  
  
Teri: Eat that! (Points and laughs)  
  
Kim: You bitch! (Closes door on Teri)  
  
Teri: Oh Jack. Why is she giving me the cold shoulder?  
  
Jack: Uhh.because A) You put up trip wires in her room. B) It was you who stuck her TV on the default TV channel 'Faulty' in which the TV is ruined and only shows static. And C) Remember our ski-ing trip over the mountains? Yes. You replaced her Skis with rollerblades when we were going down the frozen river.  
  
Teri: Heh heh heh.  
  
Jack: In short, you are one crazy bitch.  
  
Teri: I know.  
  
Jack: Which is why you need.(Gets a drink out of the fridge) Powerade! Because it gives YOU (Points at screen) BAUER POWER!  
  
Audience: OOOHHH. Product placement?  
  
Jack: Damn straight! (Turns to Teri) You're going to have to make it up to her. Promise that you will be her personal slave for the next month.  
  
Teri: That sounds good. (Smiles at Jack) I really appreciate it.  
  
Jack: No you don't. Let's tell Kim anyway.  
  
(As they open the door to Kim's room, they realise she is not there.)  
  
Jack: KIM! (Outside the window there is Kim running towards the car before it speeds up.) She almost snuck out.  
  
Teri: That's it! She is grounded, no exceptions!  
  
Jack: Uhh. She already was. She feel out of the window because of your trip- wires.  
  
Teri: (Phone rings and she answers) Oh. Hi Nina. Yeah he is here. (Gives the phone to Jack)  
  
Jack: Hey Nina. Walsh wants me to come in!? DAMMIT!!  
  
Nina: What's the matter?  
  
Jack: You know he never forgets promises made by other people right? Well, actually it was a bet. I bet that if I can win at cards he has to give me a foot-rub and likewise? He won.  
  
Nina and Teri: (Covers up laughter)  
  
Jack: Yeah yeah. I'll come. Just don't tell anyone about the bet. DO NOT TALK ABOUT IT.  
  
Nina and Teri: Darn it.  
  
(Screen cuts to CTU)  
  
Tony: So is Jack coming?  
  
Nina: Yes, unfortunately he's in a bad mood. Remember that card game he and Walsh had? That bet?  
  
Tony: Hehe.  
  
Nina: Jack lost; he's giving Walsh the foot-rub.  
  
(Everyone in CTU laughs out loud.)  
  
Jamey: I hope this meeting is over with soon.  
  
Nina: Why? Are we interrupting your social life?  
  
Jamey: At least I have one.  
  
Nina: Screw you bitch.  
  
Tony: I'll screw you two.  
  
Nina and Jamey: OOKKAAYYY. (They go off to their desks)  
  
Tony: Dammit! What am I doing wrong? (Goes over to desk and cries)  
  
TV Audience: We're gonna hear more of that word aren't we?  
  
FOX Correspondent: Yep.  
  
(Screen cuts back to the Bauer house, Jack is heading for his car)  
  
Jack: (Rings phone) Hey Vincent? It's Jack.  
  
Vincent: Wassup?  
  
Jack: Are you planning on seeing Kimberley tonight?  
  
Vincent: Hell yeah. I'm gonna give her stuffing like a plump turkey! YEAH!  
  
Jack: Don't screw her Vincent. And don't screw with me.  
  
Vincent: Okay chill. I'm not seeing her. Good luck in finding her.  
  
Jack: Oh crap. I've got your blessing on this?  
  
Vincent: Yup.  
  
Jack: This is gonna be a LONG DAY. (Hangs up.)  
  
(Jack starts driving along until he lets a bus goes past. It is advertising the Palmer campaign)  
  
Jack: (Rings phone) Hey Nina. What exactly did Walsh say?  
  
Nina: Just bring everyone in, that's all.  
  
Jack: You're useful.  
  
Nina: Well, I like to help.  
  
Jack: That was sarcasm.  
  
Nina: GRRR.  
  
Jack: I reckon this is about David Palmer, start pulling up references on who is in his staff.  
  
Nina: Say it.  
  
Jack: Say what?  
  
Nina: SAY IT. Jack: (Sighs) Okay. What colour is your underwear?  
  
Nina: Black. Okay, I'll get your list.  
  
Jack: Black eh? Neat. (Hangs up.)  
  
(Screen cuts to a street with a car driving along, inside is Kim and Janet)  
  
Kim: So when are we supposed to be meeting them?  
  
Janet: Midnight. We're late.  
  
Kim: Jesus Christ you're miserable. And what the hell are you listening to?  
  
Janet: Cheeky Girls.  
  
Kim: AARRGGGGHHH!!!  
  
Janet: Anyway, these guys we are gonna meet, they're so totally cool. Y'know?  
  
Kim: No I don't. Enlighten me.  
  
Janet: You want me to set your hair on fire?  
  
Kim: God you're dim.  
  
Janet: I know. I mean, God so totally not everywhere you know?  
  
Kim: (Sighs) Stupid bitch. Why are these guys cool?  
  
Janet: Well the guy I met, Dan. He works for a furniture store.  
  
Kim: Oh please.  
  
Janet: And the other lad, Rick. He works for the IRS.  
  
Kim: Oh no. (Bangs head on the car window.) Ow. What's your point about them?  
  
Janet: They're not boys that's for sure.  
  
Kim: You're right. They're idiots.  
  
(Car turns into an alley where there is a souped-up Purple van with two teenage lads nearby.)  
  
Kim: Who would drive a van like that? It's awful!  
  
Janet: Purple's totally my colour. (She runs up to Dan and kisses him)  
  
Kim: *To herself: I fear for her sanity. (Goes up to Rick) So. You must be Prick.  
  
Rick: Guess I must be.HEY!  
  
Kim: Hehe.  
  
Rick: Well, I'm ready to party.  
  
Kim: As a matter of fact I'm looking forward to kicking your ass.  
  
Rick: And celebrate about it?  
  
Kim: Yep.  
  
Rick: Cool. (He opens the door for her.)  
  
Kim: Phfft.  
  
(They go inside, and the lights go on)  
  
Janet: Come on Kim! Come up on the table with me!  
  
Kim: No.  
  
Dan: I will!  
  
(As soon as he jumps on the table it breaks in two.)  
  
Rick: You just totally totalled it!  
  
Janet: You are so totally destructive!  
  
Dan: I totally am!  
  
Rick and Dan and Janet: (All look at Kim) And you are totally not total!  
  
Kim: Phew. (Screen cuts to the CTU parking lot, Jack is parking his car)  
  
Jack: (Phone rings) Hey Teri. Any word on Kim?  
  
Teri: Nope. Jack, when are you coming back?  
  
Jack: Beats me. Remember when I said we should try therapy?  
  
Teri: You need anger management Jack, not me.  
  
Jack: Teri. I gotta go, I'm already at CTU. (Hangs up)  
  
Nina: Hi Jack.  
  
Jack: Who's here?  
  
Nina: Everyone except Walsh.  
  
Jack: Typical. Have you got the staff list yet?  
  
Nina: I assigned Tony to it.  
  
Tony: I'm not doing it Jack. Unless I know what the situation is all ABOOT.  
  
Jack: You told everyone didn't you Nina?  
  
Nina: I'm just following protocol.  
  
Jack: Oh yes. Rule 576: 'All agency personnel must be made aware of any potentially lethal Nuclear, Chemical/ Biological situation.' Get the list Tony.  
  
Tony: Why Palmer? Is it because he's black? Seems unfair.  
  
Jack: Makes him the most likely target. Nah, I'm joking Tony.  
  
Tony: Really?  
  
Jack: No. Do your job, you jerk.  
  
Audience: Jack's a grumpy guy!  
  
Everyone in CTU: Oooo. You got cussed deep Tony!  
  
(Tony and Jack stare at each other with scorning looks)  
  
(Screen cuts to Teri making herself a drink, the cup smashes on the floor)  
  
Teri: DAMMIT!  
  
Audience: That's 3 dammits now.  
  
Teri: (Answers ringing phone) Who is this?  
  
Alan: Hello, my name is Alan York and-  
  
Teri: No. I DON'T want an AOL trail!  
  
Alan: I found your number in this book and-  
  
Teri: (Sighs.) Not another stalker!  
  
Alan: I found this number in my daughter, Janet's diary and-  
  
Teri: Sorry, I just think it's amusing if I keep interrupting you after you say 'and'.  
  
Alan: Do you have a son or-  
  
Teri: Daughter. Why? Kim's snuck out has Janet gone too?  
  
Alan: Damn straight, and-  
  
Teri: (Impersonates machine gun sounds) Powpowpowpowpowpowpow!!  
  
Alan: STOP INTERRUPTING ME BITCH!  
  
Teri: I was only joking!  
  
Alan: May I have your number so you can call me in case you hear anything?  
  
Teri: Sure.  
  
(Back at CTU)  
  
Jack: (On phone) Uhh. Look, can you do me a favour and look out for Kim, she snuck out?  
  
Person: You're a bad parent.  
  
Jack: Please?  
  
Person: Okay.  
  
Jack: Thank you. (Hangs up, Walsh has entered)  
  
Walsh: Is everyone here?  
  
Nina: Everyone is here Sir.  
  
Walsh: Wasn't talking to you.  
  
Nina: Bastard.  
  
(They enter the CTU conference room)  
  
Walsh: In the next 24 hours there is a threat to kill David Palmer.  
  
Jack: Told you Tony.  
  
Tony: Yeah yeah.  
  
Jack: How good is security?  
  
Walsh: Not very good. The threat is a shooter from overseas.  
  
Nina: What foreign power wants Palmer dead?  
  
Walsh: Any country that hates America.  
  
Nina: So the world is out to get him.  
  
Walsh: Hell yeah baby. Keep Palmer alive at all costs. Good luck people.  
  
Everyone: SIR YES SIR!  
  
(They start to leave, Walsh tells Jack to stay behind)  
  
Walsh: How are things at home?  
  
Jack: Teri's a psycho.  
  
Walsh: TerrorTeri. Kinda fits. Take a seat.  
  
Jack: This is bad news right?  
  
Walsh: There may be an element inside the agency involved on the hit on Palmer.  
  
Jack: So maybe a mole told the CTU staff about the foot-rub I'm supposed to be giving you!  
  
Walsh: Thanks for reminding me.  
  
Jack: Dammit!  
  
Audience: 4 times now.  
  
Walsh: For the next 24 hours I want you all over this. You're gonna be interfacing with every branch of the military.  
  
Jack: I'm the last person on this planet you want on something like this!  
  
Walsh: Actually, I could ask Tony. I could tell him that Jack is a wimp.  
  
Jack: DON'T! I'LL DO IT!  
  
Walsh: That's the spirit. George Mason is coming over to brief you in more detail.  
  
Jack: Shit. Slap-head? The guy's a beurocrat. Should I trust him?  
  
Walsh: Until we know, don't trust anybody.not even your own people.  
  
Jack: Oh crap.  
  
Walsh: We gotta find the shooter before its too late.  
  
(Screen cuts to a plane)  
  
Strange person: Excuse me? How long will it be until we land?  
  
Stewardess: Over an hour Sir.  
  
Audience: He's the shooter! Kill him!  
  
(Screen cuts to a digital clock: 12:20:37, 12:20:38, 12:20:39)  
  
Well, I hope you have enjoyed this part! Please give comments about this! Constructive comments are most welcome! 


	2. The adventures of Jack Baur and MicroSof...

24 Season 1 parody, part 2.  
  
Author's note: Sorry for me taking a long time, and thanks for the comments! It's time for 24! Oh yeah, the disclaimer! Well I don't own 24 except for the DVD box set, is that illegal?  
  
-------------  
  
12: 22:34  
  
(At the Senator's HQ)  
  
Patty: (Answers phone) Sup?  
  
Martin: Hello Putty.  
  
Patty: It's Patty!  
  
Martin: Denial is a strange thing Putty. You will deny it until you realise the truth...there is no spoon.  
  
Patty: Eh? (To David) It's the photographer, he's really scary.  
  
David: Awesome.  
  
Martin: Will the Senator be at the breakfast?  
  
Patty: Duh. What do you think?  
  
Martin: I think the world is false. It is pulled over our eyes to blind us from the truth.  
  
Patty: There is no spoon?  
  
Martin: Nope, that I'm weird.  
  
Patty: Right.  
  
Martin: I will be landing soon...Mr Putty.  
  
Patty: (Sighs) Okay. (Puts down phone) That guy has been watching too many movies.  
  
(On the plane)  
  
Woman: So, you know David Palmer?  
  
Martin: Unknow what you know, and you shall triumph.  
  
Woman: Cool. Why are you meeting him?  
  
Martin: I'm going to be taking a few pictures of him.  
  
Audience: Yeah he's evil, listen to the way he said 'pictures'.  
  
FOX Correspondent: (To himself) Fools, they don't know the truth.  
  
Audience: That there is no spoon?  
  
FOX Correspondent: Uhh...yeah.  
  
(Screen cuts back to CTU)  
  
Nina: So what happens now?  
  
Jack: Slaphead is going to brief me.  
  
Nina: You. Not us?  
  
Jack: Why? Jealous or something?  
  
Nina: I like to polish his head at times.  
  
Jack: Okayyy...  
  
(Jack's phone rings)  
  
Jack: Hello?  
  
Teri: It's me...  
  
Jack: What's wrong?  
  
Teri: I found three joints on her desk.  
  
Jack: Terrific!  
  
Teri: I know it's not the end of the world-  
  
Jack: No Teri! This is great! She's following in my footsteps!  
  
Teri: You don't take drugs!  
  
Jack: Well, I'm gonna start tomorrow!  
  
Teri: You're scary.  
  
Patty: Try telling that to Martin!  
  
(Screen cuts to Furniture store, with Kim and Rick on the roof)  
  
Rick: So, the IRS totally wanted my skills you know? Like I got a Z minus in like, everything?  
  
Kim: (Sarcastically) Yeah. you're smart.  
  
Rick: Thanks.  
  
Kim: Idiot...so uhh. Do you surf?  
  
Rick: NO! Surfing's too rad! Even for me!  
  
Kim and Audience: OH MY GOD!  
  
Rick: Yeah. I'm so totally afraid of sharks. Do you totally get what I mean?  
  
Kim: I totally do...DAMMIT!  
  
Audience: 5 dammits in one episode. Neat.  
  
(Back at CTU, Jack's office)  
  
Nina: (Over phone) George is on his way up.  
  
Audience: Looks like he's getting ready for a date.  
  
(Door knocks)  
  
Jack: Who's there?  
  
George: Ima.  
  
Jack: Ima what?  
  
George: You don't know what you are? Dummy.  
  
(George enters room)  
  
Audience: And this is Jack's girlfriend? Jack: What did you say?  
  
Audience: You were getting ready for a date!  
  
Jack: Whatever.  
  
George: What did Walsh tell you?  
  
Jack: Not much. Palmer's the target and the foot rub is the real deal.  
  
George: Oh yeah, I'm AFOOT above you in this intelligence community.  
  
Jack: Shut up.  
  
George: (Gives Jack a disk) This should give you access to the secure database, see if it clicks with anything you've got.  
  
Jack: Who's the source?  
  
Martin: The machine mainframe.  
  
Jack: Quiet you!  
  
George: That I can't give you.  
  
Jack: Why not?  
  
George: Because I said so.  
  
Jack: George. I need a favour.  
  
Audience: He's gonna propose!  
  
Jack: I need you to call Chappell and tell him that I need the source on this.  
  
George: Why?  
  
Jack: I like to cover my own ass.  
  
George: You're an idiot. You're already wearing trousers.  
  
Audience: Pants!  
  
George: The author's English. Audience: Oh. Okay.  
  
George: Alright. I'll call Chappell.  
  
Jack: Thanks. Want a joint?  
  
George: Eh?  
  
Jack: My wife has three, should I go round and get them for you?  
  
George: Sure thing. Mind if I use your phone?  
  
Jack: Please do. (Goes downstairs and signals to Nina) I want to hear Mason's call!  
  
(Nina throws a phone to Jack but it hits the ground and breaks apart.)  
  
Jack: Tony. I need your phone.  
  
(Tony angrily throws the phone at Jack and it breaks on his forehead.)  
  
Jack: Right. (Snatches phone from some nobody)  
  
Nobody: Hey!  
  
Jack: She'll call you back. (Listens in to Mason's call)  
  
Mason's call: This is not a real call, this is a recorded message to let Jack Baur know that he's being conned by a District Manager.  
  
George: I'm talking to your boss, Jack. Pffhht. Dumbass.  
  
Jack: What the hell?. (Goes over to get tranquiliser gun, Nina comes along) Get me the binder.  
  
Nina: What?  
  
Jack: You know, the binder. It is an office accessory which helps you keep guns hidden!  
  
Nina: You're going to shoot Slaphead!?  
  
(Jack runs up to his office, George puts the phone down) George: Well, I wasn't trying to con you. But Chappell said no-  
  
POW!  
  
(George goes to sleep)  
  
Nina: You are out of your mind.  
  
Martin: Wrong. He has freed his mind.  
  
Jack: Stop your mindless babble!  
  
Nina: Are you going to do?  
  
Jack: Remember Phil Darcet?  
  
Nina: No.  
  
Jack: Good. George busted him, and $200,000 disappeared.  
  
Rock group Queen: It's a kind of magic!  
  
Jack: Wrong, I believed it fell into Mason's pockets.  
  
Nina: (Looking at George) Well, he's wearing on hell of a big suit.  
  
Jack: It was a metaphor.  
  
Nina: What shall I do?  
  
Jack: Trace the missing money, preferably with a bright pink crayon.  
  
Nina: A BRIGHT PINK CRAYON!? You can't be serious!  
  
Jack: I am always serious.  
  
Nina: How?  
  
Jack: Ask Tony.  
  
Nina: He'll need a reason.  
  
Jack: Not if he's doing it for me.  
  
Nina: You noticed?  
  
Jack: Yeah I noticed  
  
Audience: What's he noticed? What's he noticed?  
  
Jack: They have a relationship.  
  
Nina: Well, in my point of view it's a ménage-trios.  
  
Everyone: (Eyebrows rise above normal level)  
  
(Nina leaves and joins Tony)  
  
Tony: Hey baby.  
  
Nina: Don't call me baby.  
  
Tony: You're shagadelic baby yeah!  
  
Nina: That was one shameless Austin Powers impersonation.  
  
Tony: Anyway, what do you want?  
  
Nina: (Types random numbers on computer) I need you to trace this account.  
  
Tony: So you really want me?  
  
Nina: Shut it.  
  
Tony: What does Darcet have to with Palmer?  
  
Nina: I dunno. Occupies us for a while.  
  
(Jack walks over to Jamey)  
  
Jack: Jamey. Can you do me a favour?  
  
Jamey: Give Walsh the foot-rub?  
  
Jack: No. Something less important. If I give you an e-mail can you break into it?  
  
Jamey: If you have a warrant?  
  
Jack: I don't.  
  
Jamey: That's good enough for me! 'And there's nothing you, nothing you can do about it!!'.  
  
Audience: CTU staff are fans of Queen?  
  
Whole of CTU: Yup.  
  
(Jamey gets into e-mail)  
  
Jack: (Rings phone) It's me. I got her password.  
  
Jamey: Actually it was me. IT WAS ME!  
  
Jack: Shut up.  
  
Teri: What is it?  
  
Jack: MOMSTINKS. One word.  
  
Teri: Typical.  
  
(At the department store)  
  
Kim: So... are you going to be around this weekend?  
  
Rick: Nope, I'll be away doing...some...evil...stuff.  
  
Kim: Thank god for that!  
  
Rick: Hey, want some of my brain juice?  
  
Kim: What? (Gets snogged.) Man, that's totally radical dude!  
  
Audience: It can only get worse after that!  
  
FOX Correspondent: How true.  
  
Rick: Where are others?  
  
Kim: Dunno. (They look around, and they see Janet and Dan playing an intense game of chess)  
  
Rick+Kim: (Look shocked) OH MY GOD!  
  
(On the plane)  
  
Mandy: So, did you ever meet Queen Elizabeth II?  
  
Martin: Yeah.  
  
Mandy: What was she like?  
  
Martin: (In a flirty way) She was soooo good.  
  
Mandy: Dude, that's sick. Can I see your photographs?  
  
Martin: My photographs?  
  
Mandy: Uh huh.  
  
Martin: What are they again?  
  
Mandy's Brian: This is getting nowhere. Quick...Do something!  
  
Other part of Mandy's Brian: What exactly?  
  
Mandy's Brian: Kiss him! No wait, that won't work...uhh...just show him a picture and see what he thinks!  
  
Other part of Mandy's Brain: Oh yeah, that'll work!  
  
Mandy's Brian: Shut up!  
  
Mandy: Be quiet you two!  
  
Other passengers: Sorry. (They get back to strip poker.)  
  
All parts of Mandy's Brain: (Sarcastically) Oh yeah, you're really smart aren't you? I'm outta here.  
  
Martin: Are you having conflicts with your brain, Mr. Anderson?  
  
Mandy: WHAT?!  
  
Martin: Dammit, why do I keep saying that? Anyway, that's one of my pictures. (Just shows any random one.)  
  
Mandy: Ohhh, Munich?  
  
Audience: It's a guide to Italy actually!  
  
Mandy: Godammit! Why is the author parodizing every single moment?  
  
Author: It's fun!  
  
(Palmer's Place) Sherry: Finished the speech?  
  
David: Nah, the guy's decided to move the plot of this show a little further.  
  
Sherry: Big old grumpy bear.  
  
David: Grr...  
  
Sherry: (Sarcastic) Oh I'm so sacred! What's the last film that chilled you Dave?  
  
David: Bambi. (Shudders) Need any help with those letters?  
  
Sherry: Personal touch never hurt.  
  
David: Sure it does. (Rubs her foot)  
  
Walsh: Now I'm jealous.  
  
Patty: Phone call Senator. Maureen Kingsley from the network.  
  
David: Oh Putty it's after midnight!  
  
Patty: IT'S PATTY DAMMIT!!! (Sighs) There's only so many times you can play the same joke!  
  
David: Maureen! This better be good...okay that's not good...nah...THAT isn't good...Do we really have to make the audience suffer with this? If you air that plotline or anything remotely like it...this conversations over Biatch! (Hangs up.) That'll be all Putty.  
  
(David throws the phone, but it smashes on the floor.)  
  
Patty: It's gonna be a trademark isn't it?  
  
Sherry: What is?  
  
Patty: Me being called 'Putty' and phones smashing.  
  
Author: Damn straight.  
  
(Jack's Office)  
  
Nina: I though you wanted to put your life back together. Think this is helping? Jack: Yes. Slaphead pisses me off.  
  
Nina: Fine, whatever! But you could end up in jail! What are you doing!?  
  
Jack: Nina, you can look the other way once and it's no big deal, but except you begin to think that's the way things are done...blah... blah...blah.  
  
Nina: Andd... What does this have to do with anything?  
  
Jack: I said it so you can shift your butt in gear and see how things are going.  
  
(Alan York hears his phone ringing, and he puts it to his ear, but it is actually his iron.)  
  
Alan: AARRGGHH!!! (Picks up the phone)  
  
Teri: It's Teri...you alright?  
  
Alan: I'm having a situation cooked up here! Did you find anything?  
  
Teri: I broke into Kim's E-Mail-  
  
Jamey: IT WAS ME!!  
  
Teri: Anyway... I found out their address.  
  
Alan: Can you pick me up?  
  
Teri: Sorry. I'm married.  
  
Alan: No! I mean so we can get our damned daughters!  
  
(The crazy teens are outside the store.)  
  
Dan: Wasn't there supposed to be a party at Lacey's?  
  
Rick+Janet+Kim: DUDE! AWAESOME!  
  
Dan: Well, I don't want to go.  
  
Rick: Where do you want to go then?  
  
Dan: To the Science Museum.  
  
(The other three groan.) Kim: I'll call. Uh oh. My mother left 5 messages. I gotta go home.  
  
Dan: Run home to Mommy little Girl!  
  
Kim: You can talk Mr. Science museum boy!  
  
Rick: We'll drop you off okay? (Cheesy funk music starts playing in the van)  
  
Kim: Rock and roll! (Jumps in)  
  
Rick: Dan? You coming?  
  
Dan: (Stands out in the rain, and some sad opera music starts playing.) Oh okay. (Jumps in.)  
  
(At CTU)  
  
Tony: Nina said you want Phil's account?  
  
Jack: Yeah, send it to my screen. Ohh...that's all good baby.  
  
(Jack slaps George)  
  
Jack: Sit down. Who's the source? Don't you even DARE say anything to do with the Matrix! Last year, you brought down Phil Dacert, money was missing. I traced-  
  
Tony: It was me!!  
  
Jack: -The money was in an offshore bank account. I think it's yours.  
  
George: Oh jeez. Uhh...  
  
George's Brain: Act mad boyo! It's your only way out of this!  
  
George: NI!  
  
Jack: What?  
  
George: I'm the Knight that says: NI!  
  
Jack: Nice try Slaphead.  
  
George: Dammit. Jack: Do you mind if I send the info to Chapplle?  
  
George: Sure, go ahead. (Realises what he said.) NO! I'll type it up for you!  
  
Computer: Loading MicroSoft Word.  
  
George: This shouldn't take too long.  
  
Computer: Please Register your name and ID.  
  
George: Jack, you haven't even registered onto Word?  
  
Jack: It's one of my guilty secrets. (Types up a load of crap.) Show the source Mason.  
  
Computer: (Paperclip shows up.) It appears you are exchanging intelligence, would you like some help?  
  
George: PISS OFF! (Types stuff up.) That's your source.  
  
Audience: What does it say?  
  
FOX Correspondent: We're not telling you THAT.  
  
Jack: Thanks Slaphead. (Hands him briefcase.)  
  
George: You'll live to give Walsh his footrub. I promise you that. (Walks off.)  
  
(On the plane, skip the sexy part.)  
  
(Mandy walks around, then goes to the staff area.)  
  
Lady: Excuse me Madam, do you have anything other than Heiniken?  
  
Mandy: Weirdo. (Jabs pen into her. She then goes and gets her bag and does cool terrorist stuff then the cabin doors blow apart.)  
  
Man: My papers! (Jumps out first.) Nooooo.....  
  
(Mandy escapes and plane blows up.)  
  
(At CTU)  
  
Jack: (Rings phone.)  
  
Teri: Hello?  
  
Jack: Hey it's me.  
  
Teri: Turn left at the light.  
  
Jack: (Turns left.) Okay, now what?  
  
Teri: I'm with this dude Alan York, and we're tracking Kim. Kim got an E- Mail from Janet and they might be out together. (Hears noise on other end) Bastard! (Bangs phone on door.)  
  
Jack: Oh well. (Rolls back on his chair, but he hits the floor next to Nina)  
  
Nina: Have you fallen for me again Jack?  
  
Jack: Quiet you! I'm going to take a piss, direct calls to my cell okay?  
  
Nina: Righto!  
  
Tony: Jack!  
  
Jack: What?  
  
Tony: A 747 just blew up over the Desert, sounds like a bomb.  
  
Jack: (Looks shocked)  
  
Tony: Jack?  
  
Jack: That soul-patch is distracting! Shave it off dammit!  
  
(In the teen van)  
  
Kim: Dan, I told you to run over that pedestrian!  
  
Dan: Why don't you just relax?  
  
Kim: (To Rick) Can you tell Dan he missed that fat dude?  
  
Rick: Relax! The night is sooo totally getting started!  
  
Whole Cast: IT TOTALLY IS! Walsh: Dude!  
  
Tick...tick..tick... -----------------------------------------  
  
Finally! I hoped you enjoyed that! The next chapter will include episodes 2 and 3 (If it ever gets done, LOL.) Thanks for your replies, and if I unintentially stole any ideas I'm sorry!  
  
P.S: No criticism is aimed at the Matrix trilogy. It rocks! 


End file.
